As the mother of a child soon turning 16, one Lifeclass audience member worries that her guidance isn’t getting through to her son. “He doesn’t buy into parents [having] authority over him,” she says. “How do we incorporate this when they’re — all ready to walk out the door?”

It’s a common worry among parents with older teens, and author Dr. Shefali Tsabary addresses the concern by turning the conversation on its head. “The question to start, always, is, ‘What does that trigger in you?'” Dr. Shefali says to the mother.

“Fear,” she answers. “That I am not doing my job as a parent to prepare him for the world because I’m not getting [through to] him.”

Watch the above video to hear Dr. Shefali explain exactly why parental fear drives teens away and what parents can do to change this behavior.

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