It’s been said that the only things we really “learn” are the things we learn for ourselves. It’s when we learn something for ourselves that it becomes intrinsic to us. We just naturally do what it is we’ve learned, without having to be urged to do it or disciplined into doing it.
So, when our children engage in less-than-desirable behavior, how are they to learn? Well, if they are to learn for themselves, it can’t be because we impose the lesson on them. Imposing a “lesson” on children is the opposite of them learning for themselves. Like ourselves as adults, our children learn best from consequences. What they don’t learn from is punishment.
Does that surprise you? It might, if you have imagined that punishment — often referred to as “discipline” — is the same as consequences.
As a clinical psychologist whose focus is children and their families, I often hear parents and teachers say something like, “I will have to give you a consequence for what you did.” Give a consequence? That’s a non sequitur.
Consequences and punishment are fundamentally different. Punishment, or discipline as many call it, is something we impose. In contrast, consequences flow spontaneously from the situation without us having to “think up” something. That’s because consequences have to do with cause and effect.
Cause and effect are a natural process — a sequence, in which an action brings a spontaneous result. Then the situation itself, not the parent, becomes the teacher. In this way children learn for themselves.
When I share this insight with parents, most of them are surprised. But the simple fact is that when we intervene to impose some form of discipline, we intercept the teaching that comes from allowing simple cause and effect to do its important work.
Let me say it very clearly: Cause and effect are fundamentally different from a child doing something, and the parent (or school) giving them a “consequence.” That’s not a consequence at all, but a punishment. The result of this is that our children don’t learn a valuable lesson. Instead, the result is that they resent us. And resentment leads to further acting out on the child’s part.
A child may tow the line for a time when we punish them, but what they don’t do is develop their own sense of why they should behave in a responsible manner. Even if we succeed in suppressing one form of acting out, the resentment toward us will come out in some other way.
When children aren’t allowed to learn from the natural consequences of their behavior, they don’t develop the ability to direct their lives from their own center of gravity. It’s for this reason that peers — especially a boyfriend or girlfriend — are so easily able to influence our children, especially as they gain greater freedom in their teens.
It’s also for this reason that we have to continually “stay on” our children over things. They haven’t learn it for themselves, and so we have to keep after them to get them to do or not do something.
Children who develop their own “knowing,” their own center of gravity, don’t constantly need to be pulled in line.
Of course, helping our children develop this “knowing” takes time and inordinate patience. It requires that we parents step back and allow for the natural consequence to kick in. Most of the time, we are too anxious or too harried to allow the space for this. As a result, we lose opportunity after opportunity to help our children learn from life’s lessons.
It is our own anxieties and lack of inner (and outer) spaciousness that causes us to impose lessons via punishments on our children. It is so much easier to control the situation rather than allow the situation to teach our children at its own pace and in its own way. Our anxiety to control everything turns out to be the very thing that spins everything out of control.
This topic is vastly discussed in my latest book, aptly titled, Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn’t Work and What Will.
To view the movie trailer of this groundbreaking book, click here:?http://player.vimeo.com/video/82232108
I love these ideas! Thank you! I would really benefit from some examples of a situation handled from both perspectives and/or a few examples of what allowing consequences rather than “giving consequences” (punishment) might look like. Thank you!
I wonder if the author of the above article has children. What she says may work in some instances but in my experience children not only need reward and punishment to be educated but they also accept it and are afterwards thankful for it when it is just and fair and proportionate to the situation. If what the above article says were true, then children would be better off without parents stressing over them as it would be life itself to teach them anyway.
She does have a daughter
So…if my kid (as he frequently does) wants to run into the street I should just let him do so and eventually a car will hit him and teach him that it wasn?t a good idea ? …my way is telling him that if he runs away from me I will have to hold him, and then he runs away and I hold him kicking and screaming to the car…something I consider to be the consequence, not punishment. This has worked very well for us, he does this a lot less now because he wants to walk himself and knows what will happen if he runs away. When he gets older I trust that he will understand the danger of running into the street and not need me to guide him. But until then I?m thinking I?ll just keep doing what I?m doing to make sure he gets to be old enough to figure this out.
I have applied this with my children
& am witnessing them making more and more better and wiser choices. I have also noticed that my eldest son (who had a punitive upbringing to begin with) has made mistakes but learnt quickly from them.
I wish I could explain the drastic change in his chatacter and life choices. I believe this saved him from addiction.
Forever grateful to all the great minds who share this truth.
I would really like to see some examples …to me it seems impossible to just let natural consequences teach my children in every situation.
I agree. I would love to see examples as I do find it difficult to let my 4 and 5 year old to learn for themselves.
So true!
This does sound good for many situations, but I wonder in situations such as a child talking back to you or being disrespectful to you, what is the natural consequence?
Maybe the natural consequence is you walking away because you don’t like it when you are talked to in that way. That way the child can learn that in life when you talk to people in a harsh (lack of a better word) way, people will close themselves to him/her. I also realized my son was picking up on the screaming at 2, he had to learn it from somewhere. Now my husband and I use our words to express how we feel in a calm way and he is picking up on that. They do as we do not as we say. Biggest lesson I have learned from becoming a mom. =D
I like the way you discusses each side. Maybe the primary reason why there is high number of people committing suicide is that many people are not used to solving problems. They are not trained to think of their own strategy to solve the problem.
It all sounds great but to me very abstract, I agree with those asking for examples – maybe one example and direction to take by age range – – like back talk – from a 5-8, 8-11, 11-13, 13-15, 15-17….or even less ranges but you get the idea….what are the steps to take
I just watches an Oprah episode on this book and parenting style. I haven’t read the book but from the interview it is my understanding that natural consequences can be enforced by the parent, but they are a relatable outcome specific to the situation. So in the example of running on the road a punishment would be a smack or yelling at the child; however, a natural consequence would be for the parent to calmly explain that they will not be able to walk on their own if they cannot make safe choices. The lesson being that if you run onto the road you lose the privlege of walking independently. Another example may be if a child is speaking to you rudely or using inappropriate language: a punishment would be to ground the child or take away their possessions; while, a natural consequence would be to calmly explain that you will not be spoken to with disrespect, invite the child to come back and talk to you when they are ready to be kind and walk away from the situation. The lesson being that if you are rude, people will not want to speak to you.
This was such an apt response and a detailed explanation of how to ‘allow’ consequences or sometimes influence them. What would you say can be an imposed consequence of not cleaning your room?